Round 3 of chemo done

I am rather disappointed. I had a couple of days that I could eat by mouth . That gave me hope that the cancer shrunk but it hasn't . I have lost more weight. I am just bummed right now. Plus with the effects from chemo I really don't feel very well. I hope for a better day tomorrow.   Right now I just don't know how  much longer I can go on like this. I have 3 more rounds of chemo to go be fore I will have the scope to see if it is working. I am wondering if I can make it that long. Ian sure that right now it is just the side effect s of chemo making me feel this way. I wanted this blog to be up beat but as of today this is how I feel and this is the truth. Cancer is the pits

Hunger and being able to eat

I have been asked how does it feel not being able to eat.  This may be surprising but I don't feel Hungery at all. The  Drs. Said it is because the cancer has filled the stomach so my brain thinks that it is full all the time. however, I have gotten to the point that the smell of food does make me want some so I will just taste the spoon and then be just fine

Round 2 of chemo done

Round 2 of chemo done. This time was a lot easier. I ate some soup and kept most of it down. That is my self induced test. If I can keep some down that means the cancer that is blocking my intestines may have shrunk down a little, good news. I have made up my own little mile stones or goals to look forward to. They help me keep going and now having this chemo go so much better I can't say I feel good but I can say it is better then last time. I am counting my blessing how ever big or small they are and I am most truly blessed

Owner ship

Random thoughts

For those of you who are or who have been pregnant. I know that I am not the only person who at some time wished that they had a window looking into their bellies, you know just so you can see the baby, how much hair does it have, what it is doing right at that moment,ect,ect,etc. I have been wishing that I had that window again. I am a very curious person. I want to see if the cancer is growing or is it still the same. I realize that only having 1chemotherapy down, the odds are that there is still no change. Right now I am coming out of the side effects of my first round. I was hoping that it would have went a lot easier but it didn't..so for now..I am very blessed that I am feeling so well and I that I have 6 more days till my next round and 6 days to get stronger. I have had the best care possible and OH so much love shown and poured out to me. I know that I am truly loved. At night when things quiet down, I lay there in my bed and I feel at peace and relaxed I wonder how many more nights I am going to have. Not once have I panicked about the thought of death but only peace and comfort comes to me. I have no idea of how long I have left here in this mortal body, months, years. I have no real feelings on that. And honestly I don't think I want to know. That one I am very happy to"  Trust in the Lord ". All I can say is that I Am at peace. I love the moisture that we have been getting and I am excited about Conference coming up this weekend. Roy and I have spent many Conference weekends up in the mountains in the our motor home. We just feel closer to God when we are surrounded by all of his beautiful works of art while listening to his words. So my hope is that in October we will be able go. One of my favorite trips was a few years ago. Roy and I went down to Manti Utah. We parked our motor home in that camp ground right below the temple.   The next morning we awoke to the soft lights of the temple and to a bunch of deer all around us. To say the least we were more than ready to listen and to learn. So my wish and prayers for all of us for this weekend is that we may see the beauty that is all around us and prepare ourselves to not only hear the prompting of the our leaders but to figure out what we are to do..I have been so truly blessed with such a wonderful and loving husband, 4kids,4 in-laws kids and 19 grandkids +1 in-laws grandson... I have to figure out how to add people and where to place them.   Like I said I am truly blessed



 C

Owner ship

This has been a rather peaceful few days.  Not very painful at all and the sickness from the chemo has gone. I have a lot of time to think. So this is about excepting and owningt feeding tube and all that goes with it. If you read my earlier post the first question I asked after surgery was "did I have a feeding tube?". After wards when the conversations and training were about the tube I would just turn away or I would tell the  Dr.s to talk to my family., I just couldn't Handle anything that went along with it. Yesterday I refused my feeding, my belly just felt so full and the tube has been bothering me. And yes I was feeling sorry for my self so last night I decided to take owner ship of it, like it or not it is a new part of me. So after Kemberly ( my daughter) came over and gave me my meds I got up curled my hair and filled the bags one with water and the other with the liquid food, hooked them both to the pole and then to the pump ;(  pump :(  after a phone call I DID. I primed it and hooked it to me, laid back being all proud of myself then realized I didn't flush the tube that is hooked permently to me. Oh well it is what it is and I DID IT